by Shonnie | Oct 9, 2012 | Mindfulness, Parenting Practice, Self-mastery, The Needs of Children
Welcome to the October 2012 Carnival of Natural Parenting: Instilling a Healthy Self-Image This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month our participants have shared confessions, wisdom, and goals for helping children love who they are. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants. *** “Can you do something so her upper lip will cover more of her gums when she smiles?” my mom asked the orthodontist, not realizing how this question would stick with me for decades. As I sit for a professional photographer my stepdad laughed while calling, “Don’t blink!,” making me even more nervous than I already was in the brightly lit studio. My parents were good people who loved me and were proud of me, yet they unconsciously did things that chipped away at my self-esteem. Like most parents of their era and many parents even today, I think they didn’t realize how great their impact was on how I felt about myself. Instead of feeling comfortable in my own skin, I often looked outside myself for acceptance, relying on others’ praise to feel worthy, loveable, and even normal. Conversely, when others didn’t compliment me or made critical remarks, I withered and doubted myself because I gave their viewpoints so much weight. And I worked diligently to be flawless (at least by the standards my family valued) so that even when I believed myself flawed inside, the outside world would see only a smart, talented, composed, popular, and “in” girl. My parents...
by Shonnie | Oct 5, 2012 | Common Challenges, Mindfulness, The Needs of Children
Our families are sacred. While the relationships among us may get sticky or even occasionally sour, there is still a sacred sweetness among us whether our bonds be of blood or of choice. Part of our duty as parents is to help protect the sacredness within our immediate family, sheltering it from the outside winds that have no reverence for what we’ve created. I write this as an entreaty to all parents — mothers and fathers everywhere — to get serious about giving your family a place of honor in this world and to not let family become just one other part of your lives like work, hobbies, or volunteering. Our culture doesn’t want you to do this. If family is held as sacred like the Sabbath once was, then what happens to work, to commerce, to productivity, to consumption, to profit? American society has no love of family despite plenty who will claim “family values” are important. The law allows parents to take 12-weeks of unpaid job-protected leave upon the birth/adoption of a child which, while better than no leave, basically says that children are worth 3 months of devoted attention and no more. Our employers, our government, our culture places no importance on family so that is up to us. More specifically it’s up to us as parents with sufficient financial means to reclaim the sacredness of family. What does it mean to hold family as sacred? Do an internet search on “family as sacred” and though google can find 141 million results, the first five pages are mostly about religious institutions or rituals or are from...
by Shonnie | Jul 20, 2012 | Common Challenges, Mindfulness, Self-mastery
Parents truthfully have no knowledge of what our kids should or shouldn’t do. I’m quite certain that most parents would ardently disagree with this statement. And even though I wrote this and wholeheartedly agree with it, I sometimes act as if I do think I know what my daughter should/shouldn’t do. So why, if we parents truly don’t know what our children should do, do we keep up the charade? We believe that parenting is about teaching our children what to do Whether you call it “teaching,” “training,” “guiding,” or “parenting,” most of us see ourselves in the capacity of “wise elder” to our child’s “beginner” status. Unconsciously or consciously we see our children as lacking knowledge of how to behave and we feel compelled to build that knowledge base. There are two problems with this perspective: It casts our children as “less than” rather than whole, worthy, and enough exactly as they are; and it casts us as “better than” rather than simply a child with more enculturation. It ascribes to us a false sense of authority which can shut down our child’s openness to alternative ideas and also put us on a very shaky pedestal of omniscience. What I believe that most parents know is how our culture tells us to behave and how we actually do behave. We’ve assimilated the beliefs of our culture and made up other beliefs out of our own growing up experience. We call it by many names — the “rules,” the “way life works,” the “facts” — but the truth is that our shoulds/shouldn’ts are merely beliefs. “Forgive him, for he...
by Shonnie | May 21, 2012 | Common Challenges, Mindfulness, Self-mastery
Feeling guilty over what we’ve done or not done, how we did “it” or why, or what we’re contemplating or fantasizing about doing is probably a universal parenting experience. We’ve been taught that our actions are either “right” or “wrong,” and thus we constantly judge ourselves as either “good enough” or “not enough” based on this judgment (and/or we judge other parents and they judge us). “Guilt upon the conscience, like rust upon iron, both defiles and consumes it, gnawing and creeping into it, as that does which at last eats out the very heart and substance of the metal.” ~ Bishop Robert South Guilt doesn’t make us better parents The problem is that feeling guilty doesn’t serve us or our children and it only reinforces the notion that our loveability — and that of our children — is conditional. In other words, when we do “right” we believe we’re worthy, loveable, keep-able but when we do “wrong” we suddenly think we’re unworthy, unloveable, and easy to discard. When this is what we believe and experience ourselves, this is the legacy we pass on to our children. Scott Noelle of EnjoyParenting.com has a great substitution for our guilt. When we feel guilt, let it redirect rather than reduce us. He describes the scenario this way: “You’d simply feel ‘off’ whenever your behavior was out of alignment with your values. That ‘off’ feeling would be a welcome sign that you need to adjust your course. And with your self-worth beyond dispute [because you know you’re loveable regardless of how you behave], you’d be confident in your ability to get back...
by Shonnie | Apr 7, 2012 | Self-mastery
We’re all on a journey in life . . . as individuals and as parents. Part of our challenge on this voyage is to navigate our own way rather than taking the path destined for someone else. Culture, our own upbringing, peers, family, religious and other institutions provide a long list of “shoulds” regarding parenting. Whether you think these methods are “right” or “wrong,” one thing is true about them all — they are others’ ideas. Finding your authentic parenting path is about discovering or selecting ideas, philosophies, practices, and ways that are true for YOU…and letting go of anything that’s not a fit (no matter who says you “should” think/do/say/be it). Suggestions for finding YOUR authentic path No one but you can know the path that’s right for you (that’s the “good” and “bad” news). Having worked with people on many such discernment projects over the years, here are a few things that may help you uncover your true parenting path. Pay attention to any doubts you have about your parenting practices. If you have twinges of guilt for choices you make, look deeper to examine why. If you repeatedly don’t do something that you’ve said you’ll do, ask yourself “why not.” If you catch yourself hesitating before taking a specific action investigate what might be fueling your reluctance. Notice when you feel really wonderful about yourself as a parent. Make a note of what you just did (or didn’t do). Remember how you are being in that moment and practice repeating it to see if it brings the same satisfied feelings. Consider what about your parenting leaves...
