by Shonnie | Apr 27, 2013 | Common Challenges, Mindfulness, Parenting Practice, Self-mastery
Welcome to the April 2013 Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival: Peaceful Parenting Applied This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival hosted by Authentic Parenting and Living Peacefully with Children. This month our participants have written about authenticity through self-expression. We hope you enjoy this month’s posts and consider joining us next month when we share about Peaceful Parenting Applied. ****** “Don’t mix up that which is habitual with that which is natural.” ~Gandhi In our everyday speech as parents — both to our children and about them — we are creating our reality and shaping theirs. Neither sticks nor stones, words are water, a powerful force that works its effect over time. Our speech is often habitual and unconscious which also means that we may remain unaware of whether or not we are creating what we really want through our words. Being more conscious and intentional can help us bring more peace, love, respect, and harmony to our hearts and homes. What do our words mean? How we talk to our children greatly affects their own self-image and sense of self worth. It strongly influences how they will see the world and interpret events. Our language (and tone of voice and body language) communicates approval or disapproval, acknowledgment or disregard, support or withdrawal and either strengthens or weakens the connection we have with our children. While most of us rarely say things that are blatantly hurtful, many, if not most of us occasionally speak to or about our children in negative ways. “My kid is all over the place and everyone else’s child is...
by Shonnie | Oct 9, 2012 | Mindfulness, Parenting Practice, Self-mastery, The Needs of Children
Welcome to the October 2012 Carnival of Natural Parenting: Instilling a Healthy Self-Image This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month our participants have shared confessions, wisdom, and goals for helping children love who they are. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants. *** “Can you do something so her upper lip will cover more of her gums when she smiles?” my mom asked the orthodontist, not realizing how this question would stick with me for decades. As I sit for a professional photographer my stepdad laughed while calling, “Don’t blink!,” making me even more nervous than I already was in the brightly lit studio. My parents were good people who loved me and were proud of me, yet they unconsciously did things that chipped away at my self-esteem. Like most parents of their era and many parents even today, I think they didn’t realize how great their impact was on how I felt about myself. Instead of feeling comfortable in my own skin, I often looked outside myself for acceptance, relying on others’ praise to feel worthy, loveable, and even normal. Conversely, when others didn’t compliment me or made critical remarks, I withered and doubted myself because I gave their viewpoints so much weight. And I worked diligently to be flawless (at least by the standards my family valued) so that even when I believed myself flawed inside, the outside world would see only a smart, talented, composed, popular, and “in” girl. My parents...
by Shonnie | Sep 21, 2012 | Mindfulness, Self-mastery, The Needs of Children
Recently a client mentioned being able to see herself taking baby steps towards her goals, the implication being that these would be small actions. Hearing her words I saw my newly walking baby in my mind’s eye. Her “baby steps” were bold, trusting, joyful, and graceful (for someone completely new to bipedal locomotion) — gigantic from a spiritual perspective if relatively small when viewed on a physical scale. It was the first time I’d ever considered that the way we use the term “baby steps” was completely wrong — baby steps are HUGE and BOLD and we most of us could use more of this baby step energy in our lives. How babies make bold steps (and how we can emulate them) They trust themselves and the universe. Sure they are new to walking (or feeding themselves, or tying their shoes) but they don’t fear failure because they don’t know what failure is. They fall and use that experience to refine their walking (they don’t judge themselves as clumsy or curse the floor). They are guided by passion, curiosity, and interest. They don’t do something with baby steps because they “have to,” they do it because they can’t not do it. Their excitement to explore the world around them compels them to act. They pay attention. Our little ones don’t sleep walk though life like we often do. They notice details about the world around them — “Birdie singing, mama.” Or “See this, daddy?” (as she places a piece of gravel in your hand) — and thus are sparked to investigate or examine further what they’ve discovered. They crave...
by Shonnie | Jul 20, 2012 | Common Challenges, Mindfulness, Self-mastery
Parents truthfully have no knowledge of what our kids should or shouldn’t do. I’m quite certain that most parents would ardently disagree with this statement. And even though I wrote this and wholeheartedly agree with it, I sometimes act as if I do think I know what my daughter should/shouldn’t do. So why, if we parents truly don’t know what our children should do, do we keep up the charade? We believe that parenting is about teaching our children what to do Whether you call it “teaching,” “training,” “guiding,” or “parenting,” most of us see ourselves in the capacity of “wise elder” to our child’s “beginner” status. Unconsciously or consciously we see our children as lacking knowledge of how to behave and we feel compelled to build that knowledge base. There are two problems with this perspective: It casts our children as “less than” rather than whole, worthy, and enough exactly as they are; and it casts us as “better than” rather than simply a child with more enculturation. It ascribes to us a false sense of authority which can shut down our child’s openness to alternative ideas and also put us on a very shaky pedestal of omniscience. What I believe that most parents know is how our culture tells us to behave and how we actually do behave. We’ve assimilated the beliefs of our culture and made up other beliefs out of our own growing up experience. We call it by many names — the “rules,” the “way life works,” the “facts” — but the truth is that our shoulds/shouldn’ts are merely beliefs. “Forgive him, for he...
by Shonnie | May 21, 2012 | Common Challenges, Mindfulness, Self-mastery
Feeling guilty over what we’ve done or not done, how we did “it” or why, or what we’re contemplating or fantasizing about doing is probably a universal parenting experience. We’ve been taught that our actions are either “right” or “wrong,” and thus we constantly judge ourselves as either “good enough” or “not enough” based on this judgment (and/or we judge other parents and they judge us). “Guilt upon the conscience, like rust upon iron, both defiles and consumes it, gnawing and creeping into it, as that does which at last eats out the very heart and substance of the metal.” ~ Bishop Robert South Guilt doesn’t make us better parents The problem is that feeling guilty doesn’t serve us or our children and it only reinforces the notion that our loveability — and that of our children — is conditional. In other words, when we do “right” we believe we’re worthy, loveable, keep-able but when we do “wrong” we suddenly think we’re unworthy, unloveable, and easy to discard. When this is what we believe and experience ourselves, this is the legacy we pass on to our children. Scott Noelle of EnjoyParenting.com has a great substitution for our guilt. When we feel guilt, let it redirect rather than reduce us. He describes the scenario this way: “You’d simply feel ‘off’ whenever your behavior was out of alignment with your values. That ‘off’ feeling would be a welcome sign that you need to adjust your course. And with your self-worth beyond dispute [because you know you’re loveable regardless of how you behave], you’d be confident in your ability to get back...
by Shonnie | Apr 28, 2012 | Mindfulness, Self-mastery, The Needs of Children
If we want our children to live fulfilling lives, one of the most useful things we can do is to help them be in “right relationship” with personal power and responsibility. Mindful speech is one very effective tool for creating — or destroying — this relationship. A common way that we parents undermine our children’s power is by misusing the word “need.” What is a need anyway? If we truly need something, it’s essential. Oxygen, water, food, sleep are physical needs whose absence ensure our death. Psychological needs include freedom, power, and belonging. A want (which is what we often confuse with a “need”) is a desire that no matter it’s strength won’t kill us if it goes unfulfilled. Parents are frequently “needy” with their children expressing wants disguised as needs either consciously or unconsciously. See if any of these examples sound familiar: “You need to clean up your room.” “We need to leave for school now.” “I need you to be quiet.” “You need to give that toy back to your friend who had it first.” “Mama needs to take this phone call right now.” Unless any of these “needs” being unfulfilled would lead to death or the actual inability for a subsequent action to take place, they are actually wants, not needs. Sure there are consequences to any of them not happening — a room remaining dirty might mean a punishment in your family or failing to give back a toy may lead to a fight — but they don’t actually “need” to happen. These actions happening might be your preference, desire, or even your demand but...
