by Shonnie | Jun 21, 2012 | Mindfulness, Parenting Practice
“A happy wedlock is a long falling in love.” ~ Theodore Parker For me this quote could be altered to apply equally to parenting: a happy family life is a long falling in love. Thinking back to time with my newborn daughter I’m reminded of the overflowing emotion, especially a feeling of love, that pervaded our home. I could while away hours simply watching her, smelling her, or stroking her soft skin. Each day with her brought new experiences, discoveries about who she was, what she needed, how she communicated and, of course discoveries about myself as a mother — who I was, what I had to give, how I communicated. As my daughter has grown the discoveries haven’t ended, yet I sometimes forget that each day is still new and our journey together uncharted. As a mama I think one of the greatest gifts I can offer my daughter is to be open to seeing her with new eyes daily, tuning in to who she is in this moment and this experience and seeking to learn what it is she’s asking for from me (and what she’s offering to me as well). Staying in the now It’s so easy to rely on our history with someone and forget to keep paying attention. Though we often say it in words — “They grow up so fast.” — we seem to sometimes act as if who are children are is frozen in time. I want to offer my daughter the space to change and grow, to try on new ways of being, new ideas, new choices. I want to grant...
by Shonnie | Jun 11, 2012 | Common Challenges, Mindfulness, Parenting Practice
“If you shut your door to all errors truth will be shut out.” ~ Rabindranath Tagore Growing up my parents read to me from the Berenstain Bears stories where the papa bear often touted his wisdom whilst in the midst of doing unwise things. It was funny to watch him say “do as I do,” then get into a big mess, and pretend like his own action hadn’t caused his predicament. Papa bear’s model, however, reminds me of one of the things we often do as parents — pretend like or try to present the image that we’re perfect. Our children know we’re not perfect — heck they’re usually are on the receiving end of our greatest moments of imperfection — so acting as if we are doesn’t fool them. And, of course, even if we don’t like to admit it, we know we’re simply human, so we can’t fool ourselves either. “It is very easy to forgive others their mistakes; it takes more grit to forgive them for having witnessed your own.” ~ Jessamyn West Why show your fallibility to your children? I grew up thinking my mom was perfect in some fundamental way. Yes, I knew she yelled at me, was sometimes inattentive, and perhaps a bit too nice, but I carted her around as my role model for how I should be. From this I created an unattainable standard that I was to meet if I was to be loveable and worthy. I’ve spent many of my adult years releasing this impossible demand and still get tripped up by it from time to time. So let’s...
by Shonnie | May 21, 2012 | Common Challenges, Mindfulness, Self-mastery
Feeling guilty over what we’ve done or not done, how we did “it” or why, or what we’re contemplating or fantasizing about doing is probably a universal parenting experience. We’ve been taught that our actions are either “right” or “wrong,” and thus we constantly judge ourselves as either “good enough” or “not enough” based on this judgment (and/or we judge other parents and they judge us). “Guilt upon the conscience, like rust upon iron, both defiles and consumes it, gnawing and creeping into it, as that does which at last eats out the very heart and substance of the metal.” ~ Bishop Robert South Guilt doesn’t make us better parents The problem is that feeling guilty doesn’t serve us or our children and it only reinforces the notion that our loveability — and that of our children — is conditional. In other words, when we do “right” we believe we’re worthy, loveable, keep-able but when we do “wrong” we suddenly think we’re unworthy, unloveable, and easy to discard. When this is what we believe and experience ourselves, this is the legacy we pass on to our children. Scott Noelle of EnjoyParenting.com has a great substitution for our guilt. When we feel guilt, let it redirect rather than reduce us. He describes the scenario this way: “You’d simply feel ‘off’ whenever your behavior was out of alignment with your values. That ‘off’ feeling would be a welcome sign that you need to adjust your course. And with your self-worth beyond dispute [because you know you’re loveable regardless of how you behave], you’d be confident in your ability to get back...
by Shonnie | May 11, 2012 | Common Challenges, Community, Mindfulness
Do you ever feel superior to other parents? Do you ever think your way is THE right way? Have you ever felt negatively judged by other parents? Have you ever felt guilty for not doing parenting “right”? I recently read Perchance to Dream, a post about infant sleep and the passion of the commenters and the original author got me thinking more about parenting and judgment and defensiveness. Why we get judgmental or defensive about parenting Parenting is one of the most important and lasting factors in helping each of us become who we are as adults. While there are numerous influences that shape who we are, there is likely no one who would say that parenting has no effect. Given this baseline, most parents have the sense of parenting as a high-stakes endeavor which couples with the nearly universal desire to be a good parent to our children and leaves most of us feeling an incredible amount of pressure to “do it right.” In this pressurized state, many of us seek expertise and answers so we’ll feel “okay” about ourselves and our actions. Unfortunately one of a couple of things may happen once we find the answers. We believe we KNOW what is right and we act as if this knowledge is THE TRUTH. This can make it easy for us to proselytize and simultaneously judge others who haven’t found “the light.” When we’re on the receiving end of a true believer’s judgment, we’re likely to either feel guilty for doing it “wrong,” and/or defend ourselves as right and become just as staunch in our position and practice....
by Shonnie | Apr 28, 2012 | Mindfulness, Self-mastery, The Needs of Children
If we want our children to live fulfilling lives, one of the most useful things we can do is to help them be in “right relationship” with personal power and responsibility. Mindful speech is one very effective tool for creating — or destroying — this relationship. A common way that we parents undermine our children’s power is by misusing the word “need.” What is a need anyway? If we truly need something, it’s essential. Oxygen, water, food, sleep are physical needs whose absence ensure our death. Psychological needs include freedom, power, and belonging. A want (which is what we often confuse with a “need”) is a desire that no matter it’s strength won’t kill us if it goes unfulfilled. Parents are frequently “needy” with their children expressing wants disguised as needs either consciously or unconsciously. See if any of these examples sound familiar: “You need to clean up your room.” “We need to leave for school now.” “I need you to be quiet.” “You need to give that toy back to your friend who had it first.” “Mama needs to take this phone call right now.” Unless any of these “needs” being unfulfilled would lead to death or the actual inability for a subsequent action to take place, they are actually wants, not needs. Sure there are consequences to any of them not happening — a room remaining dirty might mean a punishment in your family or failing to give back a toy may lead to a fight — but they don’t actually “need” to happen. These actions happening might be your preference, desire, or even your demand but...
