by Shonnie | May 11, 2012 | Common Challenges, Community, Mindfulness
Do you ever feel superior to other parents? Do you ever think your way is THE right way? Have you ever felt negatively judged by other parents? Have you ever felt guilty for not doing parenting “right”? I recently read Perchance to Dream, a post about infant sleep and the passion of the commenters and the original author got me thinking more about parenting and judgment and defensiveness. Why we get judgmental or defensive about parenting Parenting is one of the most important and lasting factors in helping each of us become who we are as adults. While there are numerous influences that shape who we are, there is likely no one who would say that parenting has no effect. Given this baseline, most parents have the sense of parenting as a high-stakes endeavor which couples with the nearly universal desire to be a good parent to our children and leaves most of us feeling an incredible amount of pressure to “do it right.” In this pressurized state, many of us seek expertise and answers so we’ll feel “okay” about ourselves and our actions. Unfortunately one of a couple of things may happen once we find the answers. We believe we KNOW what is right and we act as if this knowledge is THE TRUTH. This can make it easy for us to proselytize and simultaneously judge others who haven’t found “the light.” When we’re on the receiving end of a true believer’s judgment, we’re likely to either feel guilty for doing it “wrong,” and/or defend ourselves as right and become just as staunch in our position and practice....
by Shonnie | Apr 28, 2012 | Mindfulness, Self-mastery, The Needs of Children
If we want our children to live fulfilling lives, one of the most useful things we can do is to help them be in “right relationship” with personal power and responsibility. Mindful speech is one very effective tool for creating — or destroying — this relationship. A common way that we parents undermine our children’s power is by misusing the word “need.” What is a need anyway? If we truly need something, it’s essential. Oxygen, water, food, sleep are physical needs whose absence ensure our death. Psychological needs include freedom, power, and belonging. A want (which is what we often confuse with a “need”) is a desire that no matter it’s strength won’t kill us if it goes unfulfilled. Parents are frequently “needy” with their children expressing wants disguised as needs either consciously or unconsciously. See if any of these examples sound familiar: “You need to clean up your room.” “We need to leave for school now.” “I need you to be quiet.” “You need to give that toy back to your friend who had it first.” “Mama needs to take this phone call right now.” Unless any of these “needs” being unfulfilled would lead to death or the actual inability for a subsequent action to take place, they are actually wants, not needs. Sure there are consequences to any of them not happening — a room remaining dirty might mean a punishment in your family or failing to give back a toy may lead to a fight — but they don’t actually “need” to happen. These actions happening might be your preference, desire, or even your demand but...
by Shonnie | Apr 9, 2012 | Self-mastery
Being a “good” parent cannot happen without being a “good” person. Another way to think of it is that our mastery as parents is directly linked to our self-mastery and personal transformation. I mention this because so often parents (including me) look for ways to get our children to do this or that. Or we think that we can somehow train them to behave in a certain way. What we forget is that they behave the way they see us (and others around them) behave. Thus, if we desire for them to be peaceful, loving, courageous, and honest people, the way this will most likely to happen is if we are that kind of person first. Below I offer wise words from two other parents as reminders to me and all other parents out there that we are one with our children. As we transform ourselves our children will transform themselves. We are mirrors for each other on this magical journey. “Our children literally resonate with us. They’re downloading our state all the time; our emotions, our beliefs, our values. Their stress rises with ours and comes down with ours…. We make conscious choices to manage our stress and anxiety levels, while our children are depended on the energetic and emotional environment that we create. To tell a child to be reasonable or calm down while we feel negative towards them, is like telling them to go outside and play while we restrain them tightly.” ~ Genevieve of The Peaceful Parent Institute “Your *child* is the mirror! When you don’t like what you see in your child, there’s a...
by Shonnie | Apr 7, 2012 | Self-mastery
We’re all on a journey in life . . . as individuals and as parents. Part of our challenge on this voyage is to navigate our own way rather than taking the path destined for someone else. Culture, our own upbringing, peers, family, religious and other institutions provide a long list of “shoulds” regarding parenting. Whether you think these methods are “right” or “wrong,” one thing is true about them all — they are others’ ideas. Finding your authentic parenting path is about discovering or selecting ideas, philosophies, practices, and ways that are true for YOU…and letting go of anything that’s not a fit (no matter who says you “should” think/do/say/be it). Suggestions for finding YOUR authentic path No one but you can know the path that’s right for you (that’s the “good” and “bad” news). Having worked with people on many such discernment projects over the years, here are a few things that may help you uncover your true parenting path. Pay attention to any doubts you have about your parenting practices. If you have twinges of guilt for choices you make, look deeper to examine why. If you repeatedly don’t do something that you’ve said you’ll do, ask yourself “why not.” If you catch yourself hesitating before taking a specific action investigate what might be fueling your reluctance. Notice when you feel really wonderful about yourself as a parent. Make a note of what you just did (or didn’t do). Remember how you are being in that moment and practice repeating it to see if it brings the same satisfied feelings. Consider what about your parenting leaves...
