by Shonnie | Jan 20, 2014 | Common Challenges, Self-mastery
This morning I cried. Sorrow for not being the mama I can be. Sadness for not putting joy into my daughter’s morning like I could have. Heartache at my own short-comings and lack of greater awareness. In all honesty, I hadn’t done anything horrible or perhaps even that hurtful. But I had been focused on the wrong things and behaved more like a drill sergeant as I sought to pack my daughter’s lunch and get her ready to go to a friend’s house. Instead of bringing playful energy to our day and enjoying our short time together as we prepared to go, I was brusque and business-like, leaving little room for connection. “Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” ~ Brené Brown For me, self-forgiveness is one of the hardest practices. Plenty of old beliefs still have roots dug in at places I’ve yet to weed. And my deep desire to lovingly raise my daughter frequently trips me up as a demand to do “everything right.” Sufficient work in personal growth means that when I do go unconscious, it doesn’t last and I eventually realize I was off track. Combined, these qualities mean that I want to be and do parenting really well, yet I know it when I’ve missed the mark and have come up as merely human — vulnerable, flawed, endeavoring, loveable, laughable, imperfect. Allowing my humanity in its “worst” form is hard — I’m working on it, yet it’s really challenging for me to offer myself that same grace of forgiveness that I can...
by Shonnie | Jan 20, 2014 | Community, Mindfulness, Parenting's Deep Questions, Self-mastery
As any attentive student or teacher knows, questions help us learn, grow, consider, reconsider, examine, and wonder. As a parent, I notice that we often either believe we already know the answers, or act as if we know them. What I think is actually true, however, is that we frequently don’t know the answers or don’t even know that we don’t know. I also think that when we do periodically stop to examine our parenting path and the choices we’re making, asking the deeper questions will help lead us out of confusion and into the light. As a parent coach, one of my main practices is to ask questions (nope, I don’t actually provide the answers) and support families to discover the answers and truths that resonate with them. So, to keep my mind sharp and encourage you to ask the deep questions about life as a parent, I’m beginning a new series — the question of the day (or QOTD for short). Periodically I’ll post a parenting-themed question for you to ponder. I hope each one will at least give you pause, and that some will get your own mind and heart reeling to find your own answers. I welcome you to share your answers in the comments section or to join into conversation around any question that gets your attention. On a regular basis I’ll write in detail on one of the QOTDs. If you find a particular question useful, provocative, thought-provoking, or powerful, please share them on facebook or “like” the post. And, if you have a question you’d like to share with other parents, please...
by Shonnie | Jul 27, 2013 | Common Challenges, Mindfulness, Parenting Practice, Self-mastery
Welcome to the July 2013 Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival: Anger This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival hosted by Authentic Parenting and Living Peacefully with Children. This month our participants have written about anger. We hope you enjoy this month’s posts and consider joining us next month when we share about breastfeeding. *** Every (conscious) parent has regretted something they’ve said or done to their child in a moment of anger. We don’t normally talk openly about these incidents probably because we feel such shame, revulsion, and hurt that we lost control while in the throes of anger and behaved in an unloving, hurtful, or frightening way toward our child. Does this mean we’re abusive parents in such moments? At some level, yes. More importantly, however, it means that we’re all human and capable of doing things that don’t reflect who we really are and what we truly want for our children. That’s the bad news. The good news is that we have the power to deal with our pent up anger so that we don’t spill it out on our children (or others). Allowing anger without abusive behavior Growing up, I was punished for being resistant to situations or events I didn’t like. Yelling, having a “tantrum,” biting, or otherwise making my “hell no!” clearly visible was not okay with my parents (or other adults). I mention this not to blame my parents, but to explain my early/formative personal experience with anger. While harming another person (which I occasionally did when I bit someone) isn’t an action to condone, it is essential...
by Shonnie | Jun 17, 2013 | Parenting Practice, The Needs of Children
Yesterday was Father’s Day and it was the first time in my life that my Dad wasn’t alive to get my Father’s Day call or read my Father’s Day card. I’m lucky to still have two living grandpas and also one step-dad, and, of course, my parenting partner is a blessing too. Yet the absence of the man I began life with was hard on my heart. So today, I wanted to share a bit of what I wrote and read about my Dad, Robert Lavender, at his memorial service earlier this year. Remembering my Dad The number one thing to know about my Dad is that his over-riding inspiration was love. His love and devotion for me were something I questioned only in rare moments when my own fears made up stories of how he might lose his love for me. I was certain of his love because it was obvious in the choices he made even if it wasn’t always spoken directly. My Dad – in all his humanity – was one of the most loving and devoted people I know. For 41 years I was blessed by and benefited from the love he had for me. He was present in my life even when the physical distance was great. He was a kind and patient teacher for years that I can’t even consciously remember. He buoyed, applauded, and supported me from sidelines of all sorts. He opened up the world to me in ways I still discover long after the original opportunity was taken. He freely gave his love even when he wished I would choose...
by Shonnie | Apr 27, 2013 | Common Challenges, Mindfulness, Parenting Practice, Self-mastery
Welcome to the April 2013 Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival: Peaceful Parenting Applied This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival hosted by Authentic Parenting and Living Peacefully with Children. This month our participants have written about authenticity through self-expression. We hope you enjoy this month’s posts and consider joining us next month when we share about Peaceful Parenting Applied. ****** “Don’t mix up that which is habitual with that which is natural.” ~Gandhi In our everyday speech as parents — both to our children and about them — we are creating our reality and shaping theirs. Neither sticks nor stones, words are water, a powerful force that works its effect over time. Our speech is often habitual and unconscious which also means that we may remain unaware of whether or not we are creating what we really want through our words. Being more conscious and intentional can help us bring more peace, love, respect, and harmony to our hearts and homes. What do our words mean? How we talk to our children greatly affects their own self-image and sense of self worth. It strongly influences how they will see the world and interpret events. Our language (and tone of voice and body language) communicates approval or disapproval, acknowledgment or disregard, support or withdrawal and either strengthens or weakens the connection we have with our children. While most of us rarely say things that are blatantly hurtful, many, if not most of us occasionally speak to or about our children in negative ways. “My kid is all over the place and everyone else’s child is...
