by Shonnie | Jun 17, 2013 | Parenting Practice, The Needs of Children
Yesterday was Father’s Day and it was the first time in my life that my Dad wasn’t alive to get my Father’s Day call or read my Father’s Day card. I’m lucky to still have two living grandpas and also one step-dad, and, of course, my parenting partner is a blessing too. Yet the absence of the man I began life with was hard on my heart. So today, I wanted to share a bit of what I wrote and read about my Dad, Robert Lavender, at his memorial service earlier this year. Remembering my Dad The number one thing to know about my Dad is that his over-riding inspiration was love. His love and devotion for me were something I questioned only in rare moments when my own fears made up stories of how he might lose his love for me. I was certain of his love because it was obvious in the choices he made even if it wasn’t always spoken directly. My Dad – in all his humanity – was one of the most loving and devoted people I know. For 41 years I was blessed by and benefited from the love he had for me. He was present in my life even when the physical distance was great. He was a kind and patient teacher for years that I can’t even consciously remember. He buoyed, applauded, and supported me from sidelines of all sorts. He opened up the world to me in ways I still discover long after the original opportunity was taken. He freely gave his love even when he wished I would choose...
by Shonnie | Apr 27, 2013 | Common Challenges, Mindfulness, Parenting Practice, Self-mastery
Welcome to the April 2013 Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival: Peaceful Parenting Applied This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival hosted by Authentic Parenting and Living Peacefully with Children. This month our participants have written about authenticity through self-expression. We hope you enjoy this month’s posts and consider joining us next month when we share about Peaceful Parenting Applied. ****** “Don’t mix up that which is habitual with that which is natural.” ~Gandhi In our everyday speech as parents — both to our children and about them — we are creating our reality and shaping theirs. Neither sticks nor stones, words are water, a powerful force that works its effect over time. Our speech is often habitual and unconscious which also means that we may remain unaware of whether or not we are creating what we really want through our words. Being more conscious and intentional can help us bring more peace, love, respect, and harmony to our hearts and homes. What do our words mean? How we talk to our children greatly affects their own self-image and sense of self worth. It strongly influences how they will see the world and interpret events. Our language (and tone of voice and body language) communicates approval or disapproval, acknowledgment or disregard, support or withdrawal and either strengthens or weakens the connection we have with our children. While most of us rarely say things that are blatantly hurtful, many, if not most of us occasionally speak to or about our children in negative ways. “My kid is all over the place and everyone else’s child is...
by Shonnie | Oct 9, 2012 | Mindfulness, Parenting Practice, Self-mastery, The Needs of Children
Welcome to the October 2012 Carnival of Natural Parenting: Instilling a Healthy Self-Image This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month our participants have shared confessions, wisdom, and goals for helping children love who they are. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants. *** “Can you do something so her upper lip will cover more of her gums when she smiles?” my mom asked the orthodontist, not realizing how this question would stick with me for decades. As I sit for a professional photographer my stepdad laughed while calling, “Don’t blink!,” making me even more nervous than I already was in the brightly lit studio. My parents were good people who loved me and were proud of me, yet they unconsciously did things that chipped away at my self-esteem. Like most parents of their era and many parents even today, I think they didn’t realize how great their impact was on how I felt about myself. Instead of feeling comfortable in my own skin, I often looked outside myself for acceptance, relying on others’ praise to feel worthy, loveable, and even normal. Conversely, when others didn’t compliment me or made critical remarks, I withered and doubted myself because I gave their viewpoints so much weight. And I worked diligently to be flawless (at least by the standards my family valued) so that even when I believed myself flawed inside, the outside world would see only a smart, talented, composed, popular, and “in” girl. My parents...
by Shonnie | Oct 5, 2012 | Common Challenges, Mindfulness, The Needs of Children
Our families are sacred. While the relationships among us may get sticky or even occasionally sour, there is still a sacred sweetness among us whether our bonds be of blood or of choice. Part of our duty as parents is to help protect the sacredness within our immediate family, sheltering it from the outside winds that have no reverence for what we’ve created. I write this as an entreaty to all parents — mothers and fathers everywhere — to get serious about giving your family a place of honor in this world and to not let family become just one other part of your lives like work, hobbies, or volunteering. Our culture doesn’t want you to do this. If family is held as sacred like the Sabbath once was, then what happens to work, to commerce, to productivity, to consumption, to profit? American society has no love of family despite plenty who will claim “family values” are important. The law allows parents to take 12-weeks of unpaid job-protected leave upon the birth/adoption of a child which, while better than no leave, basically says that children are worth 3 months of devoted attention and no more. Our employers, our government, our culture places no importance on family so that is up to us. More specifically it’s up to us as parents with sufficient financial means to reclaim the sacredness of family. What does it mean to hold family as sacred? Do an internet search on “family as sacred” and though google can find 141 million results, the first five pages are mostly about religious institutions or rituals or are from...
by Shonnie | Jun 21, 2012 | Mindfulness, Parenting Practice
“A happy wedlock is a long falling in love.” ~ Theodore Parker For me this quote could be altered to apply equally to parenting: a happy family life is a long falling in love. Thinking back to time with my newborn daughter I’m reminded of the overflowing emotion, especially a feeling of love, that pervaded our home. I could while away hours simply watching her, smelling her, or stroking her soft skin. Each day with her brought new experiences, discoveries about who she was, what she needed, how she communicated and, of course discoveries about myself as a mother — who I was, what I had to give, how I communicated. As my daughter has grown the discoveries haven’t ended, yet I sometimes forget that each day is still new and our journey together uncharted. As a mama I think one of the greatest gifts I can offer my daughter is to be open to seeing her with new eyes daily, tuning in to who she is in this moment and this experience and seeking to learn what it is she’s asking for from me (and what she’s offering to me as well). Staying in the now It’s so easy to rely on our history with someone and forget to keep paying attention. Though we often say it in words — “They grow up so fast.” — we seem to sometimes act as if who are children are is frozen in time. I want to offer my daughter the space to change and grow, to try on new ways of being, new ideas, new choices. I want to grant...
